WORDPRESS

I no longer blog on here, if you want more, go to this link http://suchabeautifullie.wordpress.com/ and enter your email to follow. No signing up needed just an email.

Never thought I would be like this.

At the beginning of this year, 2011, i wanted to lose weight. I had wanted to lose weight from middle 2010 but my will power had stopped me. 2011 was the dawn of depression and struggles. I was 11 stone 4 pounds maybe more in January 2011. I wanted to lose weight, but the healthy way, so i dieted, cut down on crap foods and started to introduce exercise into my daily regime. Well more exercise than previous, i have always done some form of sport. I counted calories, lost a pound of 2 each month.

The main reason for my dieting was because in the years 7 and 8, i was bullied. I was called fat and ugly and my world changed. I believed what they said, because, after all they were right. I was fat, i am fat, i was ugly and i am ugly. The diet was a way to control my life as i had not been able to control it for a number of years. I also wanted to lose weight because i didnt want people to see me as fat. As a result my self esteem went down and i still have very low self esteem and worth. I though that getting down to about 9 stone 10 would make me happy, it would make me skinny. Well when i got to 9 stone 10, it didnt make me happy, it didnt feel skinny, i wanted to lose more. So i did. So now im 8 stone 11 and im still not happy. I want to lose more, I want to be skinny. I want control. Yesterday, i lost control, so i am punishing myself now and gaining back the control. I am slowly gaining control of my life.

I still feel incredibly fat and huge and everything horrible. I think people see me and see me as fat and not skinny and pretty and delicate. If i was asked to draw myself i would draw myself and draw things how i see them; HUGE!

My psychologist asks me if i want to stop my eating the way it is, i said i do but i dont because im scared. In other words, no there is nothing wrong with me. But thats is just a front. I know there is something wrong with me, i know i have the beginnings of an eating disorder but im too weak to show it. I dont want to be fat, so i will continue restricting, purging and avoiding food for as long as i can. Until i need to get better.

It may all be very single minded of me to say i wont start recovery until i need to get better. I know i need to get better now, but i cant face it just yet...

Moving

Sorry guys, but im moving to wordpress. If you want to follow me on that, go to the bottom right hand corder and plug in your email adress.

http://suchabeautifullie.wordpress.com/

How am i?

so i havant posted in a while, im sorry. Everything has been bad, self harm is bad, eating is bad and purging is bad. All i want lately is to die. All i can think about is dying. It seems the only way out. I have felt so lost and down. Im so down and i dont really have much to say!

A&E

I gave into the urge to self harm. I think the fact that i hadnt done it in a while made the experience worse. I cut really quite deep and i guess it could do with a trip to A&E and yet i cant tell my parents because i am too ashamed. I am ashamed at the fact i am struggling at the moment. Really struggling in fact. It is worse that the first time i went to A&E. It was fairly deep then, this is deeper. I think it will scar pretty well.

I cut because i felt really down as i have done for the past 2 months or so. I had the urges for the past 3 weeks really badly but the reason i didnt cut was more lack of opotune. My parents had constantly been surrounding me as a result of my bad weekend. The urges had congrgated and they have now all come out, kind of. I do still want to do it, but i cant. AHHHH

Apparently food is an enemy!

I hate what i have just eaten and done. I had 1/2 a normal portion of my spaghetti and pork meatballs then i purged only to go back and eat half a portion of ice cream and a tiny bit of jelly. I hate eating these things. I dont want to be doing this to myself, but i feel like i have to because my mind tells me to. Its horrible!

CAMHS

I went to CAMHS today. Mum insisted she would come in to tell him about my eating problem. He said he doesn't specialize in eating problems so he will get advice of the eating disorder clinic for out next appointment. Urgh its so much effort. After the extremely bad weekend i just had, where i was depressed, and still am, and i was also having a really bad time with eating, he was very surprised that i didnt cut. But, if im honest, it was more lack of oportune that it was not needing/wanting to cut. I had many urges through this past week and yet i couldnt cut because my parents have constantly been around me because they worry. So i am alone now and i need to do it. The urge is so strong, and i feel i cant resist it. After 3 weeks without, the urges have congrigated if you like and are waiting to burst out. I dont want to cut, but the urges are getting much harder to ignore.

Moving on, He also asked me if i had done drugs and alcohol. I told the truth and said no to the drugs (he never pursued the alcohol further), i have been offered drugs and i said no because my parents would shoot me. He seemed to have quite a vast knowledge of weed and, untill he elaborated and said that he used to do it, i was like hmmmm.... He then told me it give you 'the munchies' and i didnt know that, well i did, sort of!

The one thing that bugged me, was he took my weight and height and weighed me 2 whole KG over what i actually weigh. This was probable due to wearing jeans and clunky shoes. But even so he should account for that. It bugged me.
So everything is good with CAMHS and there seems to be no progression with my mood. It will come with time.