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Never thought I would be like this.

At the beginning of this year, 2011, i wanted to lose weight. I had wanted to lose weight from middle 2010 but my will power had stopped me. 2011 was the dawn of depression and struggles. I was 11 stone 4 pounds maybe more in January 2011. I wanted to lose weight, but the healthy way, so i dieted, cut down on crap foods and started to introduce exercise into my daily regime. Well more exercise than previous, i have always done some form of sport. I counted calories, lost a pound of 2 each month.

The main reason for my dieting was because in the years 7 and 8, i was bullied. I was called fat and ugly and my world changed. I believed what they said, because, after all they were right. I was fat, i am fat, i was ugly and i am ugly. The diet was a way to control my life as i had not been able to control it for a number of years. I also wanted to lose weight because i didnt want people to see me as fat. As a result my self esteem went down and i still have very low self esteem and worth. I though that getting down to about 9 stone 10 would make me happy, it would make me skinny. Well when i got to 9 stone 10, it didnt make me happy, it didnt feel skinny, i wanted to lose more. So i did. So now im 8 stone 11 and im still not happy. I want to lose more, I want to be skinny. I want control. Yesterday, i lost control, so i am punishing myself now and gaining back the control. I am slowly gaining control of my life.

I still feel incredibly fat and huge and everything horrible. I think people see me and see me as fat and not skinny and pretty and delicate. If i was asked to draw myself i would draw myself and draw things how i see them; HUGE!

My psychologist asks me if i want to stop my eating the way it is, i said i do but i dont because im scared. In other words, no there is nothing wrong with me. But thats is just a front. I know there is something wrong with me, i know i have the beginnings of an eating disorder but im too weak to show it. I dont want to be fat, so i will continue restricting, purging and avoiding food for as long as i can. Until i need to get better.

It may all be very single minded of me to say i wont start recovery until i need to get better. I know i need to get better now, but i cant face it just yet...

Moving

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http://suchabeautifullie.wordpress.com/

How am i?

so i havant posted in a while, im sorry. Everything has been bad, self harm is bad, eating is bad and purging is bad. All i want lately is to die. All i can think about is dying. It seems the only way out. I have felt so lost and down. Im so down and i dont really have much to say!

A&E

I gave into the urge to self harm. I think the fact that i hadnt done it in a while made the experience worse. I cut really quite deep and i guess it could do with a trip to A&E and yet i cant tell my parents because i am too ashamed. I am ashamed at the fact i am struggling at the moment. Really struggling in fact. It is worse that the first time i went to A&E. It was fairly deep then, this is deeper. I think it will scar pretty well.

I cut because i felt really down as i have done for the past 2 months or so. I had the urges for the past 3 weeks really badly but the reason i didnt cut was more lack of opotune. My parents had constantly been surrounding me as a result of my bad weekend. The urges had congrgated and they have now all come out, kind of. I do still want to do it, but i cant. AHHHH

Apparently food is an enemy!

I hate what i have just eaten and done. I had 1/2 a normal portion of my spaghetti and pork meatballs then i purged only to go back and eat half a portion of ice cream and a tiny bit of jelly. I hate eating these things. I dont want to be doing this to myself, but i feel like i have to because my mind tells me to. Its horrible!

CAMHS

I went to CAMHS today. Mum insisted she would come in to tell him about my eating problem. He said he doesn't specialize in eating problems so he will get advice of the eating disorder clinic for out next appointment. Urgh its so much effort. After the extremely bad weekend i just had, where i was depressed, and still am, and i was also having a really bad time with eating, he was very surprised that i didnt cut. But, if im honest, it was more lack of oportune that it was not needing/wanting to cut. I had many urges through this past week and yet i couldnt cut because my parents have constantly been around me because they worry. So i am alone now and i need to do it. The urge is so strong, and i feel i cant resist it. After 3 weeks without, the urges have congrigated if you like and are waiting to burst out. I dont want to cut, but the urges are getting much harder to ignore.

Moving on, He also asked me if i had done drugs and alcohol. I told the truth and said no to the drugs (he never pursued the alcohol further), i have been offered drugs and i said no because my parents would shoot me. He seemed to have quite a vast knowledge of weed and, untill he elaborated and said that he used to do it, i was like hmmmm.... He then told me it give you 'the munchies' and i didnt know that, well i did, sort of!

The one thing that bugged me, was he took my weight and height and weighed me 2 whole KG over what i actually weigh. This was probable due to wearing jeans and clunky shoes. But even so he should account for that. It bugged me.
So everything is good with CAMHS and there seems to be no progression with my mood. It will come with time.

Diagnosed with depression

I went to the doctor on Monday as i had a really bad weekend and mum and dad were concerned. As they should be. So i went to the doctors and he asked me about my mood, took my weight and height and told me my BMI is 18.8... Errrmmmm he got that ab it wrong since i could get to 7 stone 11 lbs and still be a 'healthy' weight. That aside, he further asked me about my mood and said that i have depression. Lovely. He said, if i make a list of everything i will do that day and do it, not only will it stop my mind from wandering into negativity, but it will help stop my self harming. WOOP. STOP! one major mistake, he told me to exercise, Does that mean i am fat? Well my disordered mind says it does, so i am going to be exercising more and when i go back in a month hopefully i will be not fat. I find that hard to believe. I want to get myself out of depression but sometimes (well all the time) i dont see a way out and as i explained it my parents, Its like you are falling and somehow you at rock bottom and you are still falling. Or there is an endless cave and you cant find the way out. I hope to find a way out someday, i dont want to go on medication because its hard to get off. I does make you happy and thats why its hard. I will do it myself.

"EAT" "EAT" "EAT" "YOU'RE WASTING FOOD"

That is what fequently comes from my friends mouth about my eating. I dont care if they understand fully, as i dont understand it yet, but, a little compasion would be nice. It would be nice to not have to fear wating with my friends because i am scared of what they will say. They contantly go "eat!" "eat!" all the time at school and i simply refuse they then say "why dont you eat?" "its a waste of food", they talk behind my back about it. It annoys me. Like i say, i dotn expect them to understand, but it would be nice if they werent 'in my face' about it.

Depression

Being taken to the doctors tomorrow for depression. I want to cry all the time, i feel lost, empty, I don't go out anymore, I have suicidal thoughts and feelings, I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I am constantly down and cant remember the last time i was truly happy. I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. Sometimes not even the smile which protects my true feelings works, that sometimes disappears.

Stop kidding yourself amy

going to stop kiddingg myself that CBT is actually working. It isnt helping at all, its just me and a man in a room and him doing all the talking. I would rather do art therapy or somthing because CBT doesnt help at all, in fact its quite boring. When he says do you understand, i say yes just to move on. I do try and make it work but it doesnt. It doesnt do bad, but it doesnt do any good either. It hasnt stopped my cutting, i still get just as angry. I dont want to go to CAMHS on friday!

Forced recovery

The more people start to force me to recover the more i will repel. Mum and dad are forcing me to recover from the eating disorder that has fiddled its way into my life. At the moment, i am not ready to recover but mum and dad are saying i have to. I think i should be able to go at my own pace. Dad thinks that i will suddenly eat a croissant and bread roll for dinner after a chat last night. PFFT! yeah right! looks like i am going to be exercising more now. I know they love me and want me to get better, but this is taking it too far. I don't want this at the moment. Let me go at my pace!

Dad: "What do you want for breakfast?"
Me: "Nothing"
Dad: "C'mon, you gotta have something"
Me: "No i don't"
Dad: "I will do what ever you want"
Me: "No."

forcing me to eat isn't going to work. I have never eaten breakfast, eating it now wont make a difference!

By them taking control of what i eat and when i recover, will only make it worse!

Im just about ready to give up!

No one understands how much i am struggling at the moment. Seriously, i am just about ready to give up. Everyone is trying to control me and its making me worse. Much worse. My dad told me that mum and him are going to control my every move! Well, if they do, they will realise it will get a lot worse. My mental health is of the up most importance apparently, well if it is so damn important why cant they let me recover at my own pace? Let me decide what i eat, when i eat it and how much of it? Is it so damn fucking hard? They seem to be forcing me to recover, forcing me to recover at their pace, not mine, theirs! They are trying to make me better and they have no idea how. Its like going into a heart transplant operation and the surgeon doesn't know what they are doing. I really am just about ready to die. I cannot go on like this! The don't understand what i am going through. They are not allowing me to do my maths exam on Monday. Well news flash bitches! I Will do it, no matter what! I will be going into that exam, doctors appointment or not!

Hospitilization

Parents are considering putting me in hospital for my eating or lack of it, and my self harm. Mum doesn't think the CAMHS guy is doing me any good but only making it worse. I do not believe that. Mum is going to be taking me to the doctors after my maths exam on Monday i think and hoping for them to diagnose me with anorexia, I am not 'thin' enough to be diagnosed.

Maybe hospitalization would be good for me? Even if it is just for a week or so. If I'm honest, i cant see my psychologist and doctor putting me in hospital because i am not "Severe" enough. Oh well, we shall wait and see!

New begginings or just a new downfall?

I want to start again, try to put everything behind me and recover from mental illness. Recover from self harm and eating disorders. I lost nearly my whole childhood to depression, low self esteem, self harm and eating disorders. I think it is time to claim it back.

I want to recover from my eating disorders and self harm, yet the eating disorder at the moment seems impossible to overcome. I am not "underweight" so i fear if i eat "correctly" then i will put weight on. It terrifies me. I don't want to do it. I keep telling myself, just a little more weight off then i can afford to put the weight back on, but truthfully, i will always say just a little more weight off then i will stop. In reality, it is better staying at the weight i am now instead of losing it and saying the infamous  "just a little more". Self harm seems to be the easiest of the two to overcome at the moment. Eating disorders and purging just brings fear into me when people mention how i have to eat "correctly". To me, it means putting on weight and then becoming "fat". I know i am not fat but my feelings of being HUGE and FAT and everything else negative over ride logic. I am trying to eat more, but the more i try that, the more i am lying. The more i am lying, the more weight i lose. It is a never ending battle between emotion and logic. Somehow the emotion beats the logic. There should be a handbook for this kind of thing!

On to the more pressing subject of the day, My parents have decided that i will eat every meal with them, i can chose how much it is, but i must eat my meal with them (only dinner). I can chose the meals, and i can chose how much goes on my dinner plate. Going to be sitting down with them tomorrow night planning next weeks "menu" of sorts. I am not going to kid myself, i am terrified. The thought of eating with my parents and other people in fact scares me, i don't know why.




I want a new beginning, something i can say "that was my turning point" , "that's when it started getting better". Something significant! I am debating whether to get my hair cut really short. Like Frankie's out of the Saturdays but i don't know if that's too drastic. Okay, yes it will signify a new beginning totally and hopefully the beginning of the end of mental illness, but the actual decision to do it is mind boggling. I want to do it so badly, but i have had my hair in a bob before and it looks horrible, mind you, i was 11st7 ish so i was chubby and my face had no definitions. Since i have lost a lot of weight i have definitions and it think it will look nice. May get my uncle to photo shop that hair onto me since he is amazing at it and does it for a living, you know, designing the lacoste logo, 'photoshopping' famous celebrities such as Kate moss. Who by the way, is wrinkle city without the magic touch of photo shop! Just sayin'

"Dont eat, i dont care!"

I just want to cry now. Just want to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out. My parents, i feel, ar slowly giving up on me. I know deep down they are not, but i cant help but feel like they are! They say to me "dont eat, i dont care". Even though we had a heart to heart the other day, in which i wanted to cry but it didnt. I started to cry because i felt like i am hurting them, ALOT! Dad said i am not, but i cant help but feel like i am. I see them cry when they found out about me self harming, That shows i hurt them! I see them worry constantly about my eating, so obviously i am hurting them.  I still feel like they dont understand; even though dad said he started to understand.

Got CAMHS on friday 18th, i want mum to come in so she can maybe start to understand what is going on with me and how i REALLY feel. I will try to convince myself it is okay for mum to go in and i will ignore the fact i think it will hurt her and for once, not worry how other people feel and veiw everything, and concentrate on how it will help me recover and how much my happiness will be affected.





After dinner....

I have to "snap out of this", Mum thinks CAMHS "put things into her head". I have said it isnt going to get better overnight, but she says it will and when is it going to get better? When im in hospital? Well FUCK HER! I could really go with disaperring of the face of the earth! I am trying so hard and all ig et is her and dad shouting at me! I feel like recovering isnt worth it, it isnt worth the effort if all i get is abuse. Well maybe, hospital would be good for me then, if thats what they want, i will put myself in hospital! How would they like that!?

What my summer used to consit of

When the summer holidays came around everyone was so exited. 6 weeks of complete freedom. 6 weeks of endless 'lay-ins', playing out everyday in the glorious sunshine, going to London and going on trips away in the good ol' British sunshine. It was a time we all looked forward too, what the school year built up to, along with non-uniform days.

Of course as i got older, the excitement of the 6 week holiday slowly disappeared. So now, my summer is what i dread. 6 weeks of inside time, depression, constant worry and emphasis on food, total freedom to self harm. No time to 'get away' from my problems. There maybe some days in which i enjoy, for example, holiday. 2 weeks of hot Hot HOT! however, i still find time to worry about food, even in the south of France! The days in which nothing was of worry, the 6 week Holiday was much awaited and excitable are far gone.

My summer holidays are boring and i remember, vividly, that out of the 6 week holiday just gone (thank god), i went out with my friends only about 3 times. The rest, i was stuck inside unable to distract myself from my troubles and so, i ended up in A&E. So, to keep myself occupied, i baked, which i love, i made YouTube videos, i did homework and i wallowed in my own sorrows.

Summer holidays are no longer a time of excitement and total utter freedom, but they are a time of boredom, and total utter entrapment. No place to escape within the freedom that i do own.

Do i annoy you?

My biggest fear in life is annoying the people i love. I feel like when i talk i annoy them and so i try not to talk and tell 'stories' of my lifes journeys. I feel they get bored so i over think and talk 6 million years to tell the blasted story.

The darkness is ever lasting, never ending. I am on a road to self desruction!

Self harm, purging, restricting, exercise. Thats all thats on my mind. Am i hungry? Have i eaten too much? When shall i purge my dinner? What shall i eat today? Its all that i seem to think about, even now, 10 past 9 pm i am thinking about what i will eat tomorrow. My 'safe' foods, i guess and the specifics. E.G. 1/8 Tomato pasta: 33.5 kcals, Alpen light cereal bar: 66 kcals, all in all thats 99.5 kcals. Sometimes it maybe more because i eat half a biscuit or some other things. I never go above 200 kcals during the week and sometimes i do during the weekend but i purge any huge meals i eat. It really sucks and it takes over my life! I dont stray far from what i consider 'safe' foods and i only eat the specific amount of 'safe' food that i deam to be 'safe'.

Concerning self harm, it usually happens when i am lost in a place i know so well, when i feel hopeless, when everything seems to be going wrong and i dont want to do anything. When getting out of bed is hard. When i am scared to walk out of my house in fear of doing something stupid or falling over. What life is that to lead? It can also happen when i am on the cusp of anger, when i am not too far gone with my anger that i can still come back. I dont want it to be like that and yet it is. Sometimes my anger can get so bad that no matter what i do, it doesn't work, i can cut deep, i can scream, i can get violent but nothing works. Sometimes i just have to sit it out or sleep, anything to calm me down.

Everything is getting on top of me and it is getting me down. I need my confidence to build and hopefully this job at argos will help. Meeting new people and such, new experiences.

Searching. Heart to Heart. Up your arse amy!

Imagine this. Your walking through a cave, its pitch dark and you cannot see anything. You are searching for the light. You are searching and searching becoming ever more desparate but you cant find it. You go around a corner and you see the exit. You run and run and run but the door seems to be closing. You get so close, but it closes and you have to turn around and search again. You find the next one and you run and run and you get there. Just. This journey can last for days, even weeks at a time and it repeats over and over. Sometimes you get out the first time, and sometimes you get out after the fifth exit.

Thats the only way i can describe how i feel now, i missed the first one and i am still searching for a way out without cutting the darkness out...



Had a little heart to heart with my parents yesterday. Told them how i feel constantly and how cutting seems to be the way out sometimes. Told them how i feel so lost, they said theyy understand a bit more now. Hopefully my job will help, a change of scene, new people, new experiences, new found confidence! HOPEFULLY. FINGERS CROSSED!