How am i?

so i havant posted in a while, im sorry. Everything has been bad, self harm is bad, eating is bad and purging is bad. All i want lately is to die. All i can think about is dying. It seems the only way out. I have felt so lost and down. Im so down and i dont really have much to say!

A&E

I gave into the urge to self harm. I think the fact that i hadnt done it in a while made the experience worse. I cut really quite deep and i guess it could do with a trip to A&E and yet i cant tell my parents because i am too ashamed. I am ashamed at the fact i am struggling at the moment. Really struggling in fact. It is worse that the first time i went to A&E. It was fairly deep then, this is deeper. I think it will scar pretty well.

I cut because i felt really down as i have done for the past 2 months or so. I had the urges for the past 3 weeks really badly but the reason i didnt cut was more lack of opotune. My parents had constantly been surrounding me as a result of my bad weekend. The urges had congrgated and they have now all come out, kind of. I do still want to do it, but i cant. AHHHH

Apparently food is an enemy!

I hate what i have just eaten and done. I had 1/2 a normal portion of my spaghetti and pork meatballs then i purged only to go back and eat half a portion of ice cream and a tiny bit of jelly. I hate eating these things. I dont want to be doing this to myself, but i feel like i have to because my mind tells me to. Its horrible!

CAMHS

I went to CAMHS today. Mum insisted she would come in to tell him about my eating problem. He said he doesn't specialize in eating problems so he will get advice of the eating disorder clinic for out next appointment. Urgh its so much effort. After the extremely bad weekend i just had, where i was depressed, and still am, and i was also having a really bad time with eating, he was very surprised that i didnt cut. But, if im honest, it was more lack of oportune that it was not needing/wanting to cut. I had many urges through this past week and yet i couldnt cut because my parents have constantly been around me because they worry. So i am alone now and i need to do it. The urge is so strong, and i feel i cant resist it. After 3 weeks without, the urges have congrigated if you like and are waiting to burst out. I dont want to cut, but the urges are getting much harder to ignore.

Moving on, He also asked me if i had done drugs and alcohol. I told the truth and said no to the drugs (he never pursued the alcohol further), i have been offered drugs and i said no because my parents would shoot me. He seemed to have quite a vast knowledge of weed and, untill he elaborated and said that he used to do it, i was like hmmmm.... He then told me it give you 'the munchies' and i didnt know that, well i did, sort of!

The one thing that bugged me, was he took my weight and height and weighed me 2 whole KG over what i actually weigh. This was probable due to wearing jeans and clunky shoes. But even so he should account for that. It bugged me.
So everything is good with CAMHS and there seems to be no progression with my mood. It will come with time.

Diagnosed with depression

I went to the doctor on Monday as i had a really bad weekend and mum and dad were concerned. As they should be. So i went to the doctors and he asked me about my mood, took my weight and height and told me my BMI is 18.8... Errrmmmm he got that ab it wrong since i could get to 7 stone 11 lbs and still be a 'healthy' weight. That aside, he further asked me about my mood and said that i have depression. Lovely. He said, if i make a list of everything i will do that day and do it, not only will it stop my mind from wandering into negativity, but it will help stop my self harming. WOOP. STOP! one major mistake, he told me to exercise, Does that mean i am fat? Well my disordered mind says it does, so i am going to be exercising more and when i go back in a month hopefully i will be not fat. I find that hard to believe. I want to get myself out of depression but sometimes (well all the time) i dont see a way out and as i explained it my parents, Its like you are falling and somehow you at rock bottom and you are still falling. Or there is an endless cave and you cant find the way out. I hope to find a way out someday, i dont want to go on medication because its hard to get off. I does make you happy and thats why its hard. I will do it myself.

"EAT" "EAT" "EAT" "YOU'RE WASTING FOOD"

That is what fequently comes from my friends mouth about my eating. I dont care if they understand fully, as i dont understand it yet, but, a little compasion would be nice. It would be nice to not have to fear wating with my friends because i am scared of what they will say. They contantly go "eat!" "eat!" all the time at school and i simply refuse they then say "why dont you eat?" "its a waste of food", they talk behind my back about it. It annoys me. Like i say, i dotn expect them to understand, but it would be nice if they werent 'in my face' about it.

Depression

Being taken to the doctors tomorrow for depression. I want to cry all the time, i feel lost, empty, I don't go out anymore, I have suicidal thoughts and feelings, I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I am constantly down and cant remember the last time i was truly happy. I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. Sometimes not even the smile which protects my true feelings works, that sometimes disappears.