Never thought I would be like this.

At the beginning of this year, 2011, i wanted to lose weight. I had wanted to lose weight from middle 2010 but my will power had stopped me. 2011 was the dawn of depression and struggles. I was 11 stone 4 pounds maybe more in January 2011. I wanted to lose weight, but the healthy way, so i dieted, cut down on crap foods and started to introduce exercise into my daily regime. Well more exercise than previous, i have always done some form of sport. I counted calories, lost a pound of 2 each month.

The main reason for my dieting was because in the years 7 and 8, i was bullied. I was called fat and ugly and my world changed. I believed what they said, because, after all they were right. I was fat, i am fat, i was ugly and i am ugly. The diet was a way to control my life as i had not been able to control it for a number of years. I also wanted to lose weight because i didnt want people to see me as fat. As a result my self esteem went down and i still have very low self esteem and worth. I though that getting down to about 9 stone 10 would make me happy, it would make me skinny. Well when i got to 9 stone 10, it didnt make me happy, it didnt feel skinny, i wanted to lose more. So i did. So now im 8 stone 11 and im still not happy. I want to lose more, I want to be skinny. I want control. Yesterday, i lost control, so i am punishing myself now and gaining back the control. I am slowly gaining control of my life.

I still feel incredibly fat and huge and everything horrible. I think people see me and see me as fat and not skinny and pretty and delicate. If i was asked to draw myself i would draw myself and draw things how i see them; HUGE!

My psychologist asks me if i want to stop my eating the way it is, i said i do but i dont because im scared. In other words, no there is nothing wrong with me. But thats is just a front. I know there is something wrong with me, i know i have the beginnings of an eating disorder but im too weak to show it. I dont want to be fat, so i will continue restricting, purging and avoiding food for as long as i can. Until i need to get better.

It may all be very single minded of me to say i wont start recovery until i need to get better. I know i need to get better now, but i cant face it just yet...

Moving

Sorry guys, but im moving to wordpress. If you want to follow me on that, go to the bottom right hand corder and plug in your email adress.

http://suchabeautifullie.wordpress.com/