Never thought I would be like this.

At the beginning of this year, 2011, i wanted to lose weight. I had wanted to lose weight from middle 2010 but my will power had stopped me. 2011 was the dawn of depression and struggles. I was 11 stone 4 pounds maybe more in January 2011. I wanted to lose weight, but the healthy way, so i dieted, cut down on crap foods and started to introduce exercise into my daily regime. Well more exercise than previous, i have always done some form of sport. I counted calories, lost a pound of 2 each month.

The main reason for my dieting was because in the years 7 and 8, i was bullied. I was called fat and ugly and my world changed. I believed what they said, because, after all they were right. I was fat, i am fat, i was ugly and i am ugly. The diet was a way to control my life as i had not been able to control it for a number of years. I also wanted to lose weight because i didnt want people to see me as fat. As a result my self esteem went down and i still have very low self esteem and worth. I though that getting down to about 9 stone 10 would make me happy, it would make me skinny. Well when i got to 9 stone 10, it didnt make me happy, it didnt feel skinny, i wanted to lose more. So i did. So now im 8 stone 11 and im still not happy. I want to lose more, I want to be skinny. I want control. Yesterday, i lost control, so i am punishing myself now and gaining back the control. I am slowly gaining control of my life.

I still feel incredibly fat and huge and everything horrible. I think people see me and see me as fat and not skinny and pretty and delicate. If i was asked to draw myself i would draw myself and draw things how i see them; HUGE!

My psychologist asks me if i want to stop my eating the way it is, i said i do but i dont because im scared. In other words, no there is nothing wrong with me. But thats is just a front. I know there is something wrong with me, i know i have the beginnings of an eating disorder but im too weak to show it. I dont want to be fat, so i will continue restricting, purging and avoiding food for as long as i can. Until i need to get better.

It may all be very single minded of me to say i wont start recovery until i need to get better. I know i need to get better now, but i cant face it just yet...