Smile and give a little.

The thing is, my smile is often a false pretence, out there to fool people into thinking im okay, Maybe sometimes its a good thing, so at school or job interview, but at home maybe i should show how i feel more, open up to people and then they may be able to help. I dont feel like i can complain about how i feel to anyone because i dont show them and would refuse to tell them how i feel anyway. So what does it matter if i do complain to people about feel pretty shit, they wouldnt be able to help because i wouldnt tell them the truth. I would just shrug my shoulders and say nothing or i dont know.

It is quite sad how my psychiatrist knows more about how i feel and what i do to get rid of these emotions, than my parents do. I want my mum to come in on friday but i dont want her to be there all the time, so i can have a little time to myself to tell him the rest of what i left out with mum.

I am alone in my hour of need

I just feel like my friends dont want to know anymore. I try to organise to go ice skating, but they all seem to be busy, ones revising, ones going to oxford (which i know about ages ago) and the other is going out for a meal at 11am? Also when i try to go out with one specific friend, she always goes, is such an such coming and if i say no, she wont come out. Its like, am i not good enough anymore. Is my company boring? So when i need my friends support the most, they all dont seem to want to know! Nice eh?

Maybe i will wallow in my own pitty for a week, and all i do is maybe go to a concert (even though i have paid:/) which starts at 6:30 and we are leaving at about 5:30 due to one of the girls sisters only finishing at 5, then getting to the train station at the train will prob be at 6 to get to london (take 1.5 hours from my place). So we will prob get there at 8, then the concert finishes at 10. So im undecided on that one, mum thinks it will be stupid because we will be around islington untill about 10:30 if we cant get in, in one way i want to go because it will be fun, but in another way, i dont want to go because of timing and i have lost all interest in going to see my ALL TIME favorite band due to depression etc etc...

Oh i dont know, i will prob end up going, just to get out. But urgh!

Now i been invited to the cinema, but i dont know if i want to go, i might, again, just wallow in my own pitty! I want to go real bad, but im just really really down about my self harm/purgin episode and just generally down!

And my friend has just got a job, which she didnt apply for, her dad applied for her. Well he asked a lady who worked there to get her this job, and i think she shouldnt have because she didnt apply for it and what not, and she is going on about how she might have to work and she may have an induction and just all round rubbing it in, like she does. Now i will NEVER hear the end of it! FML! it is jealousy because i NEED the money really really bad and she gets it because she knows someone there and it pisses me off! OH well,, only 2 years left of that shit face!

Its the vicious cycle. AGAIN!

Im back in that cycle. I did it before and got out of it before and swore i would never do it again, but yesterday, it started up again. Purging, i meen. So i struggled for a little while about a year ago, maybe not quite a year, maybe a couple months, but anyhow, i've started again and its hard for me to control. I have only done it twice since this recent episode (yesterday and today as well as SH) but it will start the vicious cycle again, of eat dinner/a meal, and purge it. I dont even binge, i just purge what i ate. My parents dont know and i dont want they too. What am i going to do!?

Purgeing isnt all that fun

I had the urge to throw up my dinner today. I havant done that in ages, and yet, today, i felt like i had to! I dont even know why, it isnt all that fun anyway! I'm really striggling at the moment. My self harm urges are getting worse and harder to ignore and now this! OMFG!

Runnaways, cousin gone for 24 hours!

My cousin has been missing for over 24 hours now. The police cant do anything because 1)when they got in contact with him, he told them he was on his way home and 2) his parents know roughly where he is. He is like a brother to me, we do literally everything together, You name it we have probably done it. I am trying to be really strong for my family but inside i want to break down. My self harm urges are gettin stronger by the hour and i am finding it really hard to cope. Hopefully he will be back, but this time, it is very unlikely. He has gone before, but for only and hour or two and not an enitre night. He has been with his friends all day and all night, but soon they will get fed up and he will have no one. He claims he has 8 and half months worth of living arangements, but after that... nothing! He either has 8 friends for 1 month or 26 friends for 1 week. He has put a missive strain on my auntie and uncles relationship over the 9 years i have know him and sometimes maybe it would be better off for him and their relationship if he was put back into care! What he doesnt realise is they didnt have to take him out of care. He thinks they hate him and he hates them.

I want him back!

I concour with you entirly...

Its funny how the first time that blade separated my skin was to feel pain but the last time i separated my skin, it was to rid the pain! I can safely say i am far from recovered but i am working on it. I will never forget the first time i picked up the blade nor will i forget the last but the last is yet to come. The first has already been but the last will be in the for-see-able future.

I will recover from self harm and i will not be ashamed, afterall, each scar has its memory, no matter how painfull that was. It will remind me of the struggles i overcame!

It amazes me how people take happiness for granted. They dont realise that one day, the happy days could be rare and never seen! they will then wonder where that happiness went and will want it back and will try so hard for something they cannot control! so life lesson #1: dont take happiness for granted. You never know when you will lose it and when you do, you wont realise you had something precious!

If i were to die today, would anyone care, would there be any kind words to say or would they just stand and stare?

I have had numerous suicidal thoughts this week. I dont know why but i hsve felt like it would be better if i was just dead. The way people talk to me and treat me. There one person in particular that always talks down to me as if im shit! she's so patronising! but she is my best friend and knows everything about me, and vise versa! i couldnt imagine my life without her.

I want to live, but sometimes i just want to die

Job interviews

Had 2 job interviews this week. One for next and one for argos. The next on wasnt to bad because it was one on one, however, the argos on was a group interview. I had to introduce someone at first and i could feel my heart pounding in my cheast and i was sweaty and i had to force my voice out and somehow form words within that! Then later on i had to present a 'super human employee'. Basically he/she had to have the ideal employee presented in super hero form. I did this wil 3 other people and, again, when speaking i had to force my words out and i went red and felt my heart pounding. It was horrible!

I see things and you think your odd!

Never told this to anyone, not even my psychologist (i plan to tell him though). I see circles and polygons and lately a bird. I know it isnt just a shaddow because i see it indoors too where there is no shadows etc. They are black and rather odd. I cant explain it to anyone as they will probably look at me like WTH!? and not believe me. I plan to tell my psych next friday at our meeting. I have also heard voices once or twice. Sometimes it has repeted what other people has said and other times its is just sounds and nothing makes sense. It is very rare and i havant heard it in months, but y'no, it counts right.

Cut out my heart and throw it away!

The urge to cut is getting stronger and stronger. I need the pain. C'mon girl, pull yourself together and dont let it cut out your heart!

Had a bit of a binge. I dont like it!

Life stinks.

Being called ugly is not fun. Especially when the wanker hasn't used the correct word but you know what they mean. It fucking sucks! It puts you down so much.

Looking at my arms and wanting the blade to damage my delicate skin. I have space left. But thats all a lie. I dont have space left to self harm. I dont even know anymore. I want to get my hands on a blade and ruin what was once perfect. I want to but i wont; it isnt the right way to go about it. It isnt the right way to sort my problems, but i cant help it, its what i know and will probably always know. I want it too stop. I could just cry!

Why? ponderings on god

Why is it that we always refure to god as a man? when in the bible (supposedly god own word through man) it shows no preference towards man or woman. How could a specific gender create the opposite gender with such great knowledge. It would have to be outside of physics, outside of everything we know of to do this. Maybe we just put it into a man because 1) we are scared of what we don't understand and therefore categorise it into something we do and 2) when the word of god started when we lived in a very patriarchal society and the man was the head of the house and the most powerful, so if god is the most powerful being (if in fact he is a being) then we would automatically associate it with a man. I don't know, that's just what we discussed in philosophy and ethics today!

Oh and when people (bible bashers) tell homosexual people that the bible says it is wrong to be homosexual they are correct, it does. In the 3rd book of the bible. But it also says in the paragraph after it that speaking back to your parents is wrong and you shall be stoned to death, it also says that adultery and idolisation is a sin and you shall be stoned to death. So these people are ignoring the rest and only using the bits they want so they can preach. When this is hypocritical. They cannot say they have never been rude to their parents! As Jesus said to someone who told him he was doing wrong by not saying a woman who had committed adultery had to be stoned to death: "the first person to throw the rock, first tell me that you have not sined, from the eldest" so he was saying the eldest person here must first tell me he has never sined, now this would be hard because no one can never sin, so the crowds dropped their stones and left. Jesus said to this woman never do it again basically.



N.B. I am not christian nor do i believe in god so this is a athiests point of view. Dont be offended.

The shadows are here. Again.

I keep seeing black shapes in the corners of my vision. They are usually circles and polygons but lately i have had a new figure. A bird... I saw it for the first time yesterday, in english it flew over the boundaries of my top vision. I darted my head up to once again, see nothing. It really frustrates me. If what my biology teacher says is correct that our brain makes things up to NOT be there to protect us, then why does mine make things up to BE there? I have not taken any halucenagenics (well as far as i know) so why do i see things? It really is quite disturbing!

My recovery promise...

Recovery is stronger than any suicidal thought/ideation and it is stronger than the sensation of cutting! I will recover for my own sake and i will have a story to tell at the end. Recovery is what i live for and no matter how long it takes, 1 year, 2 years, 3 years etc. I will strive for recovery!

I will not listen to those voice inside my head who control me. I will push them as far away as possible and hope they never return. I do anticipate bad days/weeks/months, but i will not let that stop me in my path to recovery. I will take them as a building block in my recovery and i will come out stronger on the other end. I shall one day, put down that blade and never touch it again. Whether that be in a year or 2 years or longer. I will one day never need any use of that blade.

Each scar has its own story and i intend to share it with my future family. I wont hide it from them, i will be open and make sure they can tell me about any problems that may succumb in their life!

Thank you and good night.





N.B. Follow me on twitter, Thats where i hang out and talk about recovery in every shape and form. http://twitter.com/#!/virtualhugs95

Who am I?

Well that is a question i sometimes ask myself, but i will tell you what i know. My names amy and i am 16 years old. I self harm and am currently in recovery. I have been self harming for about 18months and only began recovery after ending up in A&E :S

My parents only knew of one episode before i ended up in A&E and simply told me to stop. Of course i didnt. From then on i would constantly hide it for the next 9 months ish. I went to A&E with my friend and my parents found out when a letter cam through from the psychiatrist i saw. I now go to CHAMS every 2 weeks.

I was bullied for 2 years and if only the girl knew the repercusions of what they did. Of course i cant blame it all on them because there were other things going on such as i was falling into depression and extremly low body confidence; of which i never got over. I will never deny what happened and i will never forget nor totally forgive. They almost ruined my life.

Of everything I have ever regret doing, making that first cut is on the top of that list. For the past 18months i have been cutting nearly every day. I have also developed eating disorders and servere social anxiety, prom is over 6 months away and i am dreading it already. Cutting has caused many problems within my life and in a way i like who i am now because i know what it is like to hit rock bottem and somehow keep on falling, i also will never take happiness for granted because happiness is hard to come by.!