Self harm, purging, restricting, exercise. Thats all thats on my mind. Am i hungry? Have i eaten too much? When shall i purge my dinner? What shall i eat today? Its all that i seem to think about, even now, 10 past 9 pm i am thinking about what i will eat tomorrow. My 'safe' foods, i guess and the specifics. E.G. 1/8 Tomato pasta: 33.5 kcals, Alpen light cereal bar: 66 kcals, all in all thats 99.5 kcals. Sometimes it maybe more because i eat half a biscuit or some other things. I never go above 200 kcals during the week and sometimes i do during the weekend but i purge any huge meals i eat. It really sucks and it takes over my life! I dont stray far from what i consider 'safe' foods and i only eat the specific amount of 'safe' food that i deam to be 'safe'.
Concerning self harm, it usually happens when i am lost in a place i know so well, when i feel hopeless, when everything seems to be going wrong and i dont want to do anything. When getting out of bed is hard. When i am scared to walk out of my house in fear of doing something stupid or falling over. What life is that to lead? It can also happen when i am on the cusp of anger, when i am not too far gone with my anger that i can still come back. I dont want it to be like that and yet it is. Sometimes my anger can get so bad that no matter what i do, it doesn't work, i can cut deep, i can scream, i can get violent but nothing works. Sometimes i just have to sit it out or sleep, anything to calm me down.
Everything is getting on top of me and it is getting me down. I need my confidence to build and hopefully this job at argos will help. Meeting new people and such, new experiences.
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