Although sometimes i love life and wonder why i ever want to give it up, at the same time, i think "why cant i just be a figure of every ones imagination" because that way, i would be perfect and what everybody wanted to see and hear and not this ugly, fat and pathetic excuse for a human being! I want all the negativity in my mind to go so i can be happy all the time.
I cant see anything good is going to come of me in the future, i cant see anyone wanting to be in a relationship with me, i wont get married, have sex or even just have fun! I cant even see anything good in the future! i haven't for a while! I cant see Christmas or the new year bringing anything but shit. I am so scared of the food on Christmas day and around Christmas. It's a time of joy for everyone else, but for me, its a time of fear, angst and purging! The only thing i am looking forward to is the presents. Having to eat around a dozen people at the dinner table eating food terrifies me. It shouldn't, but it does. And the new year, exams, exams and more exams. Oh don't forget prom! Exams: a time for me to convince myself i will fail everything. Prom: A time when i have to pretend i like the people i hate for the last time and dance with them, mingle and listen to all the shit they have to say! Oh and more food being eaten with the people i hate, and just more and more anxiety about the way i look and i can just imagine myself dropping for down me and GOD ITS ALL BOLLOCKS!
I like to plan my future so its how i want it to be, so i want to be a psychologist, so i plan how to get there and the ages i will be at the different stages. But then i think, i wont ever become one because i wont get the A-Levels i need, i wont get the degree i need at the right level and i wont become anything. I plan, i work for it and then i convince myself it wont happen. Then i don't see the point in trying, but i carry on and try as hard as i can to get the grades i want because i have such a massive fear of failure! Why do i have to constantly put myself down and tell myself i cant do it when i know, that, if i put my mind to it i can do what i want and better?! I have proved it before, when i got an A in chemistry! I was so adamant i wouldn't get the A because i had convinced myself i didn't know anything. But when the results came back a few months later, i was ecstatic and thought i was invincible and i would get the grades i want! but when it came to focusing on other exam, i convince myself i would do it and never will be good enough!
In a huge contradiction, when i tell myself i cant do it and never will it makes me even more determined to do it and prove myself wrong! work that out!
why cant anything just be easy for once in a while!? Just once i would like an easy option where i know whole heartedly i can do it!
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