I want to start again, try to put everything behind me and recover from mental illness. Recover from self harm and eating disorders. I lost nearly my whole childhood to depression, low self esteem, self harm and eating disorders. I think it is time to claim it back.
I want to recover from my eating disorders and self harm, yet the eating disorder at the moment seems impossible to overcome. I am not "underweight" so i fear if i eat "correctly" then i will put weight on. It terrifies me. I don't want to do it. I keep telling myself, just a little more weight off then i can afford to put the weight back on, but truthfully, i will always say just a little more weight off then i will stop. In reality, it is better staying at the weight i am now instead of losing it and saying the infamous "just a little more". Self harm seems to be the easiest of the two to overcome at the moment. Eating disorders and purging just brings fear into me when people mention how i have to eat "correctly". To me, it means putting on weight and then becoming "fat". I know i am not fat but my feelings of being HUGE and FAT and everything else negative over ride logic. I am trying to eat more, but the more i try that, the more i am lying. The more i am lying, the more weight i lose. It is a never ending battle between emotion and logic. Somehow the emotion beats the logic. There should be a handbook for this kind of thing!
On to the more pressing subject of the day, My parents have decided that i will eat every meal with them, i can chose how much it is, but i must eat my meal with them (only dinner). I can chose the meals, and i can chose how much goes on my dinner plate. Going to be sitting down with them tomorrow night planning next weeks "menu" of sorts. I am not going to kid myself, i am terrified. The thought of eating with my parents and other people in fact scares me, i don't know why.
I want a new beginning, something i can say "that was my turning point" , "that's when it started getting better". Something significant! I am debating whether to get my hair cut really short. Like Frankie's out of the Saturdays but i don't know if that's too drastic. Okay, yes it will signify a new beginning totally and hopefully the beginning of the end of mental illness, but the actual decision to do it is mind boggling. I want to do it so badly, but i have had my hair in a bob before and it looks horrible, mind you, i was 11st7 ish so i was chubby and my face had no definitions. Since i have lost a lot of weight i have definitions and it think it will look nice. May get my uncle to photo shop that hair onto me since he is amazing at it and does it for a living, you know, designing the lacoste logo, 'photoshopping' famous celebrities such as Kate moss. Who by the way, is wrinkle city without the magic touch of photo shop! Just sayin'
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