I wish i could cuddle in my mums arms and feel safe and tell her my troubles rather than push her away and tell her everythings okay. So good night my child!

I feel as if the old me has completely disappeared. It's like it never existed. Like one night i decided to say good night to the happy me and put myself through this sorrow! About 2 years ago i would never have thought i would be like i am now. I thought happiness lasted forever! I was totally ignorant to depression and never really knew what it was! I had no idea a human being could feel so lost and helpless in a place they know so well!

What also doesn't help is i have no one to talk to. No one who completely understands. When i try to talk to my friend about the self harm and depression and how low i feel all i get in response is "hmmm" or "O.o" I don't expect much back because it's hard to know what to say, but a little bit more than "hmm".

I feel like no one cares. I know i should be able to talk to my parents, but they don't understand at all. They try to help, bless 'em, but it's hard to open up to them. Hard to tell them how lost i feel, how much i want to die! I don't want to hurt them that much! I know me self harming is hurting them so much because they know they cant help me, and i guess they feel lost too. It is hard to tell them everything is not okay and i don't want them to be hurting like that! I hate seeing them cry, It makes me hate myself because i know i am the reason they have cried.

I want the old me back so badly. The one who smiled because she was happy and not because she is covering up the truth. The one who played, who got on with her sister. I don't want to be the one who smiles to cover up her true feelings. The one who hates going out. The one who doesn't get on with her sister, the one who is constantly angry. I don't want to feel like this anymore and sometimes i feel the only way out is to either commit suicide or cut myself! I don't like it. I really don't!

I wish i could tell people i am happy or okay because i mean it. Not because it's what they want to hear and what i need them to hear. I wish i could tell my parents how i really feel instead of lying to them all the time. I wish i wasn't afraid to show how i really feel. I wish it was okay (in my mind) to cry, to 'let it all out'. I wish i could cuddle in my mums arms and feel safe and tell her my troubles rather than push her away and tell her everythings okay. I feel so horrible when i do that. I push everyone who has ever cared about me away for fear they would discover the truth about how i feel and surcumb to the weakness that lies behind the 'strength' upon my face! I want it to go away, so i can no longer feel horrible and so i can bring people closer!