"Dont eat, i dont care!"

I just want to cry now. Just want to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out. My parents, i feel, ar slowly giving up on me. I know deep down they are not, but i cant help but feel like they are! They say to me "dont eat, i dont care". Even though we had a heart to heart the other day, in which i wanted to cry but it didnt. I started to cry because i felt like i am hurting them, ALOT! Dad said i am not, but i cant help but feel like i am. I see them cry when they found out about me self harming, That shows i hurt them! I see them worry constantly about my eating, so obviously i am hurting them.  I still feel like they dont understand; even though dad said he started to understand.

Got CAMHS on friday 18th, i want mum to come in so she can maybe start to understand what is going on with me and how i REALLY feel. I will try to convince myself it is okay for mum to go in and i will ignore the fact i think it will hurt her and for once, not worry how other people feel and veiw everything, and concentrate on how it will help me recover and how much my happiness will be affected.





After dinner....

I have to "snap out of this", Mum thinks CAMHS "put things into her head". I have said it isnt going to get better overnight, but she says it will and when is it going to get better? When im in hospital? Well FUCK HER! I could really go with disaperring of the face of the earth! I am trying so hard and all ig et is her and dad shouting at me! I feel like recovering isnt worth it, it isnt worth the effort if all i get is abuse. Well maybe, hospital would be good for me then, if thats what they want, i will put myself in hospital! How would they like that!?